my head keeps itching...

my head has been itching for a few days, but i think it's psychological. you know - like how when you find out someone you know has lice and then all of the sudden your head starts itching, too. no, i don't have lice, but i'm sure this itching is a sign that my hair is falling out even though i haven't even lost my normal amount of daily shower decoration (ladies, you know what i'm talking about).

but, because my head itches, i'm awake, alot. i blame it on the itching, but i'll partially blame it on my mind that is refusing to turn off. the second my head hits a pillow, no matter what time of day, my mind runs full speed. i can lay in a spot for hours and never even doze for a minute.

lately what has been keeping me up is myself. obviously my emotions are tied to the tail end of the car on this roller coaster ride and the emotions fluctuate with each dip and turn. but i find myself regretting how i'm going to bed each night. regretting each dirty look i've given, each negative word i've said, and each bad action i've done (which lately - have been a lot). i'm wondering why this possible death sentence hasn't given me a newfound passion for life. i won't regret things i've missed (although not seeing a live show at the bowery ballroom after eating a gray's papaya hot dog will be rough on the heart), regretting how i've treated people will be something i know that will eat at me until my last breathe.

i feel like i have some soul searching to do. because i don't want to be bald with no heart. because being bald would be bad enough. (obviously i have a heart, it just needs a trip to the wizard for some revamping).

so, here's to hoping i'll get some sleep tonight. and that my head will stop itching.

thank you for loving me even when i'm most unloveable.