i can do hard things...

At girls camp last year, I went repelling. It was at the end of a chemo week. And you had to hike far and high to get there. The equipment was safe and there was priesthood at the top and the bottom to catch me. But I was still sick, and do I need to meantion...scared.

On the intial descent, you had to walk down over a jagged rock that stuck out from the flat part you were supposed to repel off of. It was high and it was scarey. One of the young women in my ward was really scared. And she didn't want to do it. But her leaders told her she could. And I told her if she did it, I would do it, too. She put on her gear, stepped over that rock, and started her descent.

And she flipped upside down. Completely upside down. Hanging over a rock. By a rope attached to her stomach. I heard her scream. The priesthood grabbed her feet, trying to help her regain her balance.

And she did.

And she repelled down the rock.

And squealed with delight when she reached the bottom.

And screamed, "Sister Johnson, it's your turn!!!"

And I climbed over that rock. And started to sweat. Because that rock stuck out farther than it even looked when hiking by it.

But I did it. I repelled down that rock wall. With Priesthood helping me down, and Priesthood catching me at the bottom. And my lovely Young Women congratulating me when I got there.

I've done hard things. And I will continue to do hard things. Because I can.

stuck in the middle...

year 1...

i was positive.

year 2...

let's be honest.

i was mad.

here's to year 3...

i'm starting out somewhere in the middle.

i wish i could explain the constant perspective i have.

i will give you a glimpse into my morbid mind. *warning - my husband doesn't even understand it most of the time so beware.*

i plan each and every day like it is my last.

every.

single.

day.

and EVERY SINGLE DAY especially for the past five months, i've been failing miserably.

let me go back a minute.

what people don't get is that in my self-centered world right now, my body is on a teeter-totter. it can go one way or the other. with chemo and my blood counts so low, my body can not fight off infection. i have a shot that helps boost the counts, but i am still at a huge risk of not being able to fight off anything from the common cold to a serious flu (insert frustration with kids getting sick this last week and my hands beginning to crack from washing so much - and not eating anything anyone else touches unless i made it - thank you, ocd). my uncle passed away - while undergoing treatment for cancer - by contracting a virus that his body could not fight off. and while i know it is all part of Heavenly Father's plan, the fear of passing in pain terrifies me. if i'm being honest...

for five months i've been yelling more than i've been playing. i've been trying to keep them busy more than i've been cuddling. i've been nagging more than i've been praising. and i've been criticizing more than i've been loving.

do you see how i'm all over the place?

i wish i could go back to year one. because i could feel my Savior's arms wrapped tightly around me. i could do anything.

but i'm stuck between year two and three. i know He is there. but i can't feel Him nearly as much. i know it's because i started doing things myself.

i need to rely on Him more.

if today were my last, i fear my children would only remember that i yelled at them. and that breaks my heart.

right now...

my entire life i've had thin, straight hair. now, it is growing back thick and curly. you do the math. (see headband.)

when i want to take a picture of myself documenting said hair, i feel awkward staring at myself in the camera - so i do superstar hands and stare up at the ceiling, making me only look awkward instead of feel awkward.

but, maybe next time my hair falls out, it will be straight again. check back in a week. because that's when the new chemo should start kicking in.