stuck in the middle...

year 1...

i was positive.

year 2...

let's be honest.

i was mad.

here's to year 3...

i'm starting out somewhere in the middle.

i wish i could explain the constant perspective i have.

i will give you a glimpse into my morbid mind. *warning - my husband doesn't even understand it most of the time so beware.*

i plan each and every day like it is my last.

every.

single.

day.

and EVERY SINGLE DAY especially for the past five months, i've been failing miserably.

let me go back a minute.

what people don't get is that in my self-centered world right now, my body is on a teeter-totter. it can go one way or the other. with chemo and my blood counts so low, my body can not fight off infection. i have a shot that helps boost the counts, but i am still at a huge risk of not being able to fight off anything from the common cold to a serious flu (insert frustration with kids getting sick this last week and my hands beginning to crack from washing so much - and not eating anything anyone else touches unless i made it - thank you, ocd). my uncle passed away - while undergoing treatment for cancer - by contracting a virus that his body could not fight off. and while i know it is all part of Heavenly Father's plan, the fear of passing in pain terrifies me. if i'm being honest...

for five months i've been yelling more than i've been playing. i've been trying to keep them busy more than i've been cuddling. i've been nagging more than i've been praising. and i've been criticizing more than i've been loving.

do you see how i'm all over the place?

i wish i could go back to year one. because i could feel my Savior's arms wrapped tightly around me. i could do anything.

but i'm stuck between year two and three. i know He is there. but i can't feel Him nearly as much. i know it's because i started doing things myself.

i need to rely on Him more.

if today were my last, i fear my children would only remember that i yelled at them. and that breaks my heart.