how do people do it?
how do you make lemonade when you have lemons?
how do you look at a glass and see it as half full?
and be sincere.
i have thrown many tantrums during this time. yes, i know i'm entitled. yes, i know it's ok. but i feel so inadequate and unsure - if those are even the words. because i read blogs like hers and hers and wonder and even envy how they can be so positive. so, so positive, and so, so inspiring. and here i am, barely getting out of bed only because i have to. i don't blog because i don't want to be fake. i read blogs that i know are supped up and glorified when you know what they are writing isn't 100% true. i don't do that. so i'd rather not write. and that's the funk i'm in. i try so hard to suck it up. because i want to be able to enjoy the days i have with my family. but i'm not enjoying them. i'm dreading them. i don't cook. my husband has been doing EVERYTHING. i mean, seriously, today was the first day i changed a diaper since last week. he rubs my aching legs every single night, and he's become the king of kid shuffling so he can work and i can have fun or even sleep. and all i do is feel guilty. why can't i be the person who all of the sudden is wearing turquoise and sporting cervical cancer bracelets running marathons and speaking at conventions and making people more aware. it's not me.
and i just feel grumpy.
you know, before, i never really grieved about having cancer. when i was going through this a year ago, all i could focus on was not having anymore babies. and now, it's the furthest thing from my mind. i do still get the itch (like when i saw my friend's baby today and i wanted to eat him - literally), but ... i don't know how to explain it ... it's not a peaceful feeling ... i guess sandra said it best - Heavenly Father isn't mean. he wouldn't make me feel like i could have more if i wasn't going to have more. and i think that has made me feel ok. but it's like all of the feelings of scared and nervous and lack of control are all swarming in at once and it's hitting me like a ton of bricks. and i don't like it. at all.
i'm writing this because this is real. this is how i feel. this is how i'm doing. don't feel sorry for me. or feel like i'm getting depressed. because i don't think that's really how it is. the most i can relate it to is just getting hit with a major reality check, and i'm just taking a little bit longer than most to let it absorb. but i'm here. and i'm fighting. and i'm still trying to love. because loving other people really does make me feel better. especially when it comes in the form of the four boys in my house. they really are magnificent.
