dear kate...

in april of 2009, my life changed.

i'm still me.

but i look at pictures of before that time, and can hardly recognize who that person was.

it's hard to explain what i've learned, what i've gone through, things i've felt. it's not all good. it's not all bad. but there is a lot.

i thought my trial was over in november, with my first set of scans. i thought we were going to be able to start fresh. with our new outlook. with our new life. we were going to press forward with our plans.

but i was quickly reminded that our plans are not His plans. and His plans, although not always what we want, are far better than any plans we could have made for ourselves.

our plan was to adopt a baby. our plan was to start the adoption process in february. and we did. we filled out applications, got copies of the marriage licenses, birth certificates, background checks, interviews. we filled out an online adoptive parent profile. we got references, attended adoption classes, had physicals...with mine being last. i completed my physical, but while sitting in the parking lot after finishing my appointment, i scratched my neck, and felt a lump. in 2 days, i had a biopsy. 2 days later, it came back positive. a scan a week later determined the cancer had returned - in my neck, chest, pelvis, and right leg. 2 weeks after that i started my second round of chemo.

my recent scans have now come back clear. both pet and ct scans show no signs of cancer. my body has had a "remarkable response" to the chemo, and august 4th will be my last treatment.

so, "kate"...

i saw you. i dreamt of you. i thought you were coming sooner than He knew you would. but you aren't coming on our time, you're coming on His. and because you are coming on His time, you saved my life. if i did not have that physical, the lump would not have been found for many months. if the recurrence had not been found as quickly as it was, i may have lost my leg - or something even worse. so, thank you. thank you for saving me. saving me for my husband, for my boys, and hopefully, someday...you. on His time.

now, i just need to manage the anxiety of living. i'll save that for another day.

* i'm not saying she would have been kate or will be kate, if there ever is a she, but "kate" has always been what "she" would have been if there was a "she," so it only felt right to call her by that name. and now my sister in law is having a baby, and she may be kate, so here's to hoping for a sweet little blonde baby girl that i can spoil with dresses and bows, and love just as much as my "kate."