i'm hard on myself...

i think most of us are our own worst critics.

i mean, we are the only one that knows what we are thinking and feeling and saying and doing. and we remember most of it. and have the time to dwell on it.

i wish some days i could wake up and just ... be. and be comfortable with who i am and where i'm at in my life and in my head. and feel comfortable with my trials. and not worry about what people think or say or feel.

i'm sure i'm not alone in this.

am i?

it may sound silly, but i miss how i felt when i had cancer. this does not by any means i want it back. :) but, i miss my testimony. i miss my faith. i miss my reliance on my Savior. i miss seeing His witness in everything from a sunrise to a meal brought, to a smile on my children's faces, and to people serving each other sincerely and not dutifully.

i haven't forgotten what i witnessed. if anything, i remember it more. t's hard for me to lighten up. i feel serious. and uptight. because really, i'm still scared of my unknown future.

and i guess that is what it boils down to.

fear.

and as much i learned fear and faith cannot coincide, sometimes they very much do.

i know my body. i have "predicted" much of what has happened to me. and i find it funny now around new people (since we moved) telling me, "oh, you're fine. be positive." they don't know my history. they don't know my intuition. and really, they don't know me.

i have hope. and i believe. and i know.

now, i want to just be.