here's to 5 years and 1 day...

i ventured out today for my second time this week. i remembered that the young women at church needed to learn a song for girl's camp in three weeks, and i hadn't even heard the song i needed to teach them. so i spent last night and this morning preparing, and showed up just for third hour. it may have been selfish. actually, it was selfish. i really didn't want to walk through the halls of church with the sad eyes peering at me, with people not knowing what to say, or sharing with me their stories on how their sister at age 63 was diagnosed with breast cancer (people feel the need to share with me every story they have that is cancer-related, and as much as i appreciate the intent, you can speak to me about something else rather than the big c because you have to know that i'm always thinking about it and would appreciate talking about something/anything else).

so, i hung out with my girls, laughing and being uplifted, and for just a moment, forgot about my current situation. but something i found rather funny happened. there is a baby girl in my ward that is the most darling little girl ever. her mom carried her into the yw room today with a green and white polka dot dress and pink sandals - and a bow on top to boot. bob only lets a few little girls in to his stone-walled heart, and this little girl is one of them. so, i told her mom that she needed to come over to the house and rub off on my husband so i can get him on board for a fourth baby. after i said that, almost every mouth in the room dropped. i think they thought i forgot that i couldn't have any more babies. and it reminded me of something that happened just after surgery.

this is a very groggy recollection, but i do remember it happened. my mom had brought pictures of the three boys in to my hospital room so i could see their faces. a nurse came in to change my iv bag and looked up and said, "what darling little boys. are they yours?" i told her something to the effect of, "yes, all three boys, and i'm trying to get my husband ready to have a fourth, and next it will be a girl." she looked at me with a straight face and says, "no, you won't." and i said back, "yes, i will." she looked at bob, looked at me again and said, "no, you can't."

i think it's hard for people to imagine that i can still have baby on the brain. (i need to find something more to think about, right?!) some people find they have this cancer and have to have a hysterectomy before they have any children at all. i am lucky because i was blessed to give birth, not once, but twice - and even got a two for one discount. i have three gorgeous, vibrant, and funny little boys. i wouldn't trade them for anything. and i know i've said this a thousand times, but there is no doubt in my mind this is why i had twins. i love my boys. i've always wanted to be a boy mom. but, i've also always wanted to adopt. when i was little i would beg and plead with my mom to bring me a little sister. i wanted her to adopt a baby so bad when i was little. and everytime i would ask, she would say no. and i remember always thinking, "fine then, i'll just do it when i'm older." so, be happy for me. be happy that if/when i beat this thing, that i can still have the option to be a mom to a fourth child - one that i will not carry in my body, but am already now, carrying in my heart.

i know i'm looking very far into the future. i have my consult radiation appointment tomorrow. chemoradiation will begin soon, and then they will develop a baseline for me. i have about two years where the doctor says if the cancer doesn't come back, it most likely won't, and after five years i should be in the clear. so, here's to five years and one day - hoping that my husband will be on board. because i need just a bit more motivation to beat this thing. and if it can come with a janie and jack dress, see kai run mary jane shoes, a bow on top swaddled in a pink blanket - i mean seriously, what more motivation could i need?!