Phrases.org: The expression "elephant in the room" refers to a situation where something major is going on, it's on everyone's mind and impossible to ignore -- like an elephant in the room. But nobody talks about the "elephant" because nobody knows what to do about it.
my elephant is cervical cancer.
i have a story. but i don't really want to share it yet.
what i can share is my gratitude, and my feelings.
first, my gratitude. if you're here, it's because you have emailed, called, emailed and called, or my preference, texted. and i want to say, THANK YOU. thank you for thinking of me. for saying you love me. for praying for me. i appreciate it. i am so glad i am not alone. i am so glad i am loved. and i have no doubt that i will not be able to make it through this journey without you as my support. so, thank you.
but, my feelings get involved. as you can imagine, hearing the word "cancer" in the same sentence as your name - it can be a scarey thing. i am just that. scared. i am scared, nervous, worried, concerned, and all that comes with it. and this is certainly preventing me from wanting to speak with anyone. so, please do not feel like i am mad or upset or ignoring you. it is quite the opposite. it is your messages that lift me up when tears fill my eyes. you are not ignored. but, i am not to a point yet in this journey where i can openly talk about this. i have known for about four months that something hasn't been right. i have known for about two months that it could be cancer. it has been confirmed for about three weeks that it is cervical cancer. and in less than one week, i will be having a radical hysterectomy which will determine what stage cancer i am at and also any treatments that will be needed in the future. i am taking one day at a time - literally. each day i think about what needs to be done that day. i am not looking to the future because i can't. i am trying to submerse myself in my husband and my kids and enjoy each moment with them. i never understood why my aunt lived her life motto as, "each day is a gift." and i am so sad that it takes something like this for me to understand our daily gift to the fullest extent.
so, this is in a nutshell, where i am at. if i haven't spoken with you, it doesn't mean i won't. if i haven't emailed you, it doesn't mean i won't. please, if there is anything i can say, please know that your calls and emails and your concern is what is carrying me through this. please continue to do it all. and please remember, most importantly, to keep my family in your prayers. we don't know yet what our future holds, but my little boys and my husband need your thoughts and prayers just as much as i.
thank you for loving us.
jennifer
14 comments:
I love you Jenny!
Chris, the boys, and I will continue to pray for you and Bob and the boys. If there is anything you need, ANYTHING, or anything we can do for you guys, and I mean ANYTHING... we are here when you are ready!! We love you!! Love, The Cullen's
Chris, Kelly, Joey, and Nick xoxoxo
I'm just in shock. Crying. I know there is nothing I can say right now that will make things better. Thank you for starting this blog and letting us hear your thoughts and feelings. And although all of us would do anything for you...this first post has moved ME. Definitely, to tears...but also to realized "each day is a gift." We love you and we will absolutely be praying for your whole family.
Oh, Jenny...where do I start? After Bob called and told me I got off the phone and just cried. I wanted to talk to you, but understood when he said you weren't ready. But, I want you to know I am here for you. Whenever. Wherever. For Whatever. Okay? We aren't just sister-in-laws, but foremost, friends, and I got your back. I want to help or be there in any way that you need. I want to do whatever I can for you, Bob, and the boys. So just know, I am just a quick plane ride away and would love to come see and help take care of three of my favorite little boys in the whole world and their extremely brave mother who I love very much.
I am sitting here with tears in my eyes just imagining what your are going through. You know we are here if there is anything we can do. We love you! I think we are going to the temle on Tuesday and we will put your name in and we will just take time to sit there and say a special prayer for you and your wonderful husband and those sweet boys. When I think of the times we have been together and you were carrying such a burden. We love you. Love Grandma
What wonderful Family and friends you have (especially me) Seriously though I am so glad that you did this blog afterall. It will be therapeutic for you and something valuable to look back and read one day when you have beat this. And we all know you will. If there is anyone in the World that can stare Cancer down and come out way on top its you. You are the strongest person I know. And you have one of the best and most supportive Husband's. And those boys? Man, those boys are going to lift you up just when you need it most.
You already know I'll be here for you every second that you need me. You already know how much I love and adore you. And you know how I'd rather be hanging out and joking around with you late at night then almost everybody.
I feel so lucky to have gotten to be with you last weekend at Womens Conference amidst all of this. I feel blessed by your friendship every day. And I am so grateful to Bob and Dave for marrying such hotties so that we could become so close.
Love ya,
your number 4.
We went to the temple last night. We put your whole family on the prayer list. I know that thourgh the faith of your many friends you will beat this. We love you and our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. We are here if you need anything.
to our dearset Jenny, how we love you. A day at a time is a great way to face life right now. Our prayers are with you and the boys. You have such great writing ablity, you have let us know how you feel, where you are emotionally right now, fears and all. Your blog will become an anchor that will keep freinds and family in touch with you, without intruding on your family. Thank you so much for doing this for us. You will come to find that blogging can be very therapudic. If ever you need me...I am here for you. Know that I love you: Dani.. and Jeff
Who would have thought?! I hate even thinking about this because it gives me the biggest lump in my throat. You know I'm not the most emotional person out there but know that I'm thinking about you and your family every day. I want to help wherever and whenever I can. I'll even bring you Don Jose's! Hold strong! We love you! Kim, Kevin and kids
You are probably one of the strongest people I know and after reading your blog I know it. I think about you all the time and you guys are always in our prayers. I want to help in what ever capacity you need, anytime (remember I am recently retired). I am here for you. We love you.
Paul, Marsha and Austin
Jenny,
You dont know who I am, but I know you. We have never met but I feel like I have watched your beautiful boys grow. I stumbled across your blog one day over a year ago from The Hinksons blog. Your blog make me laugh, they make me cry, they inspire me to be a better mother, they make my reflect on my life, and they always keep me coming back for more. I have brought you up in conversation, speaking and repeating some of the amazing things you write about. I have never met you but I feel like I know you and i know you are an amazing Mother. You have dedicated your life to your family and I inspire to be like you daily. You dont know me but you have touched and changed my life. Hearing this news makes my heart ache for you. I have sat here crying for the last few minutes unable to gather my thoughts and words to express to you what an amazing person I know that you are. I dont understand why good people have to deal with such pain and hardship, it is unfair. Keep strong. Keep holding your babies tight they will give you the power and strengh to fight the battle ahead. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Julie
I'm guessing at this point you've already had your surgery...i am seriously in shock right now by this news...i hope and pray that the surgery went well and that you are recovering. you guys are in our prayers for sure and please know that we love you and your family and if there is anything we can do we'll do it. keep your chin up!!! love, Shari, Brad and boys
I'm so glad you're blogging about this. We feel so far away...out of touch...helpless...but your family is always in our thoughts and prayers.
Oh Jenny...I just heard the news from Jill and I am shocked. You and your family will most definatley be in my prayers. I don't even know the "right" words to say. (I am the worst at what to say) Only because I can't even imagine what you are going through, and why you have to go through it. Even though there are unanswered questions...I do know that you are pretty dang amazing. I even thought that when I was driving home....wow that girl is so cool...I want to be like her. Little did I know about ... "the elephant in the room".. I guess that explains why you weren't feeling good...(I could have sworn it was the rootbear....lame.) I love the story of Job. He had pure unwavering faith. I don't think he was meant to suffer because he "needed to learn a lesson" but because he had something in his character that would hugely impact the world. There are some modern day Job's that have a thing or two to teach the rest of us. I am grateful to you for sharing your story. You are stronger than you probably even know. Cancer sucks! I will be thinking of you.
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