my oncologist...

when i had my first appointment with the oncologist on tuesday, i was in his office for about 15 minutes total.  he completed his exam, let me get dressed, called bob in, and told me he had a surgery scheduled for the next week.  he didn't really explain what was going on aside from that i had cancer that he could see and he needed to take it out.  bob wanted to ask questions, and i was getting annoyed because all i wanted to do was leave.  

we went into the "surgery scheduler's" office.  she was as fuzzy as a peach.  sarcasm.  she was probably the most insensitive and unprofessional person i have ever met.  i sat in the chair and quite literally she started shoving papers in my hand.  "here's your consent form.  we're taking your cervix, uterus and your lymphnodes.  sign at the bottom.  here's your diet for the day before.  liquids only.   you need to have a physical and blood drawn.  get that done today.  day of the surgery, show up at 9.  drink magnesium citrate (?) the day before."  i was seriously bombarded.  along with a few four letter words she would throw out at the doctor as he passed by -  it was so much to take in that i seriously lost it.  i couldn't even talk.  i just put up my hand.  bob looked at me, and asked her to slow down.  she didn't.  she continued right on with her information and paperwork.  so, i just screamed, "stop."  she finally looked up and she gave me a minute.  i told her that it was going too fast - i was going to be missing my son's last tball week - that i had to cancel a lot of stuff.  she only said, "games can be video taped.  you need to get this done."  once i had collected myself, she continued right on.  i couldn't wait to get out of the office.

i left the office feeling very hesitant.  i didn't know anything more than i did before i went in.  he didn't tell me what stage i was at.  he didn't tell me if i was going to need any other treatment.  he literally said, "i know you have questions.  go to my website and read what i have written.  read it twice.  have your family read it. see ya next week."  this guy seemed surgery happy.

my obgyn has been the only doctor i have ever known.  she has been my doctor for 9 years.  i saw her every day while in the hospital with the twins.  i know her.  i feel comfortable having a surgery done by her.  

this guy, i did not.

so, i did everything i could to try and get a second opinion.  i called my obgyn to ask her what she would do.  she said hysterectomy.  i called our insurance to get a second opinion out of our medical group.  bob called his insurance rep at corporate to try to jump through some hoops to get me a second opinion.  but then, bob remembered one of his old church leaders who is an obgyn who worked at the same hospital as this guy does - he wondered if he would know my doctor.  so, after a few phone calls, bob finally got in touch with him.  and his response:

"i've known him for over 25 years.  if my wife were in that situation, he is the only one i would send her to.  if he is telling you he has to operate - i would say have the operation done.  i completely trust him and his work."  

i know the reason i have been feeling so hesitant.  it is no secret that in our family, one of us would like more children, and the other does not.  but to know that this surgery would make that decision final, i cannot express in words what this does to me.  all i have ever wanted to do was be a mom.  all i ever want to do is be a mom.  without a doubt in my mind - i know this is why i was blessed with twins.  although in no way do i feel my family is complete, i know that i would be devastated to learn that after only two children i would need to be done.  yes, i know i can adopt.  this was obviously a major option after my cervix could not support the twins (we wonder if it was due to the cancer).   but to know that i will never be pregnant again is something that is breaking my heart.  quite literally.  i know i need to make myself better so i can raise and take care of the ones i have.  but my heart aches for the ones i won't.

i emailed my oncologist late last night with my concerns regarding his lack of explanation and to inquire if surgery was my only option.  he called me this morning.  after a half hour conversation, in a nutshell he said he understood my concerns.  that on the initial visit, his job is to get things going - to not delay them any longer.  he told me what he could see, where he could see it, and that surgery is my only option at this point.  it is basically an exploratory surgery.  he will take tissue that will need to be further tested to see how far this cancer has spread.  after throwing out our common friend's name (i'm trying to get an "in" right?) and discussing our parents-of-twins commonality, he told me that he is trying not to make me live with this cancer for the rest of my life - that he is trying to cure me of it.  

do i still feel 100%?  no.  but not because i don't trust him.  trust me - i have read every patient review on his work, read about all of the research and advances he has made in gynoncology, and have even gotten opinions from his colleagues.  

it's just that finality.  

i don't know how long it will take me to be ok with this.  maybe in 15 years when i can see my youngest two graduate from high school.  maybe then i will say, everything worked out exactly how it was supposed to.