faith...

i had been planning on going to women's conference for months.  i don't think it was a coincidence that i found out on a tuesday of my "condition" and i was to leave wednesday.  i was still determined to go despite the news.  and bob let me.  i used the 9 hour drive (times 2) alone to sort my thoughts, cry (which i hadn't really done yet) and to pray.  

the first day at conference i spent alone.  i initially wanted to go to women's conference to help me forget everything i had just learned about myself.  instead, i learned about everything i would need for myself.  i learned about fear and how it is satan's hold against us because fear and faith cannot coincide.  i learned to not be afraid - but to only believe that there was a reason and purpose for this trial.  there was a class on surviving cancer and how people need to rely on their faith to get through it - they will in a very real sense, be carried through it.  in each class that day someone either had a struggle with cancer, or had overcome it.  that day was meant for me to be alone.  i learned so much that day.  and every day since, i have only prayed for strength.  not for healing, but for support during this experience.

later that day i picked up jill from the airport and she spent the remainder of the weekend with me.  i hadn't really spoken with anyone about it yet, and was a little nervous about what the conversation would bring.  but as soon as she got in the car, within minutes the conversation was flowing.  and in the end, all she said was, "isn't it amazing there is only one man who knows how you feel and what you are going through?"  despite my entire day at women's conference, i still asked, "who?"

----------------------

tonight, one of the members of our bishopric (priesthood leaders) came over to help bob give me a blessing.  at the end of the blessing, bob said something that stuck out just as jill's statement had - "remember the Savior.  He is here to carry you through this.  you are not alone.  you do not have to carry this burden alone."

---------------------

so, as i have not been able to eat for a full 24 hours, and am no longer able to drink anything until after the surgery, i know there is someone who knows exactly how i feel.  i know i am not alone.  and however tomorrow turns out, whatever results my come in the weeks ahead, my belief is that on those times where i feel alone - where i feel that no one understands - and i feel that i cannot see or speak to anyone - there is someone who is carrying me through this entire journey and He knows exactly how i feel.