i can walk...

today, i walked from the chair to the door. it's not far, and i used a grandma walker, but i walked nonetheless. since the surgery, i have had a tingling in my right foot - it's the same feeling as if your foot was asleep and you try to wake it up. so, anytime i put pressure on it, it doesn't feel the greatest. (doctor says it is probably nerve damage - may go away, may not - only time will tell). but, if i want to go home, i have to walk. with the walker, i can distribute my weight better and not have to put any pressure on that foot. so, my three feet of walking with assistance, was kind of a big deal for me today.

when i was waiting for my surgery to start, a nurse came in to start my iv. she asked about my kids. i told her the ages, and immediately she says..."oh, almost time for another one." the other nurse who was entering my information was like, "uuuuhhh." and all i said was, "yeah, i'm in for a hysterectomy. there won't be anymore kids my coming from me." of course i started bawling and both nurses felt horrible. and i quickly realized that this wasn't going to be the last time that situation came up. i think the most important thing for me to stress is that i will never be sad when someone i know is pregnant. i seriously cannot wait to see the pregnant bellies of the soon to be first-time moms who are anxiously awaiting the excitement and anticipation of impending motherhood (sandra and steph, this means you) and i can't wait to see those who are adding more to their family. but i think what's hard is just knowing it's just me personally that cannot have this decision that is hard. so, please don't be afraid to tell me you are blessing your life with a little one. because i know how happy this made me. please know i want to share in this joy with you. it will make me happy.

and this is what i am quietly thinking about while my husband sits on his pink vinyl sofa that he had only left yesterday for the first time and only for a few hours. you pick someone when you get married that makes you laugh, gives you butterflies, maybe is a good kisser, but there is no way you can predict how they will react in a life changing situation. and i think in this case i won the lottery. cheesy and mushy, i know. but he hasn't left my side. he gets my toothbrush and a spit cup for me every morning, washes my face for me, and spoon feeds me ice chips all the while cracking jokes at my catheter filling up. he loves me. and i find great comfort in this. because when i haven't been able to stand, he is holding me up.

thank you for all of your calls and well wishes. and thank you for giving me my space during this hospital stay. i have to admit, a big part of my isolation is vain - i haven't showered in four days and i don't look the greatest. but a lot of it is selfish - i am still getting choked up talking about this and am sure i am battling a bit of depression because of this decision that was made for me. but i am also determined to get out of this hospital and start the fight with every ounce of strength i have. and i know i won't be able to do it alone. but feeling sorry for myself for a few more days is helping me now. i am appreciative that you are respecting that.

with that said, when i get home, i am giving you free game. come, stay, laugh, and sleep over if you'd like. i now have an open door policy and you are welcome to come or welcome to invite whenever you need (or if you know i need).

thank you again for me loving me, loving my family, and for reminding me of my faith. there is a greater plan in all of this. and i'm trying very hard to not lose sight of that. and most often, you are what reminds me.